To Sidharth Malhotra and Katrina Kaif

5

My very dearest Sid & Katrina,

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I might not be Amitabh Bachchan and you, not my grandchildren, but since an open letter is the flavour of the season, so I thought I might as well.

You both carry a very valuable legacy on your tender shoulders — Sid, the legacy of your uncle Karan Johar, and Katrina, the legacy of your uncle, I mean…godfather…no, sorry… friend. Yes, friend! Salman Khan.

Both of you maybe a Malhotra or a Kaif, but you are also girls…oops I mean actors. Or so you would like to believe.

Sometimes people will make fun of your accent, Katrina. Don’t be bothered. You will have many people who would cast you in films anyway and justify that. Like in Baar Baar Dekho. You are not only born in England but to an English lady. See your bad Hindi is justified. Yet again.

And because you are good-looking, people will force their thinking on you, call you bad actors. They might be right. But ignore them. I think you both were brilliant in the film. Especially you, Katrina. There was a scene when you said and I quote, ”I feel nothing.” I believed you.

Don’t let anyone make you believe that the length of your skirt is a measure of your talent. You both have none. You have only skirts, so use them.

Don’t let big names affect your choices in films. Silly critics like me will tell you to read the script first. Ignore them. A film like Baar Baar Dekho can go back and forth in time and confuse anyone. And don’t get me wrong. It’s not the screenplay that bogged my mind but the wigs. Every character’s wig was so weird, that in some parallel world, Medusa had a hearty laugh.

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Don’t let anyone preach you about the inconsequential things like the depth in characters, their growth, and sundry. Jai can turn around and call Diya domineering. So what if she is not? So what if it looks contrived? At least it makes for a grave accusation to create some tension in their relationship. People like me will tell you to watch the amazing bathroom confrontation scene in Break Ke Baad. Don’t listen to them. They are Deepika fans. Hmpf.

Don’t let anyone sell you the importance of logic in a film. You can brush your teeth without toothpaste, neither on your brush, nor in your mouth. But it’s okay. You are allowed, you are gorgeous. Your director will create genuine crisis in a movie and slip into a romantic song the next moment. People will call it silly. Pay no attention. They don’t understand the importance of Thailand Darshan. Cambridge Darshan. London Darshan. Creating cities’ brochures in designer clothes is not child’s play. So revel in it.

Lokesh Dharmani pens an open letter to Sid and Kat

At the end of the day, your director might not have any idea about modern-day relationships, the dilemma of personal and professional lives. All she would suggest is focus on small things. Don’t listen to her. Show her Break Ke Baad, first half. Love Aaj Kal, first half again. Keep her away from Yeh Jawaani Hain Deewani.

Katrina – the privilege your ex-boyfriends offer you will not protect you from the difficulties you will face. You know why? Because they are, well, ex.

Sid — by the time you see and understand this, I may well not be around. Your fans would have killed me on Twitter.  But I think what I am saying today will never be relevant. But I will keep saying it anyway.

It will be my honour to be known not as Lokesh Dharmani, the movie reviewer. The one who called out the lack of depth in your film, the superficial treatment, the half-baked characters and a climax, one could see from a mile. I would rather be known as your grandfather…er …a pained viewer who spent 30 precious five dirhams on your movie.

Your… dada…nana…actually no one. Just a viewer. And a reviewer.

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